...Think, Think, Think...

Goose Flu

I'm not well.

I got a sore throat on Tuesday.  By Friday, my voice had deteriorated so badly that I sounded like Marge Simpson.  I say sounded, but actually I still do sound like her.

Only now to go with that I've also go a horrendous cough and for some reason, which I'm struggling to work out, my left eye is swollen too.

The only fun thing about all of this is that in my Marged state I worked out that I could do an awesome goose impression.

I've been honking at people all weekend.  Way fun.

Video Blog Update

For those of you who saw it and are wondering where it is, I've taken the video blog down.

I needed to vent and I did, and I very much appreciate your comments.  Silly as it may sound, I felt like I needed some rational adults to tell me that I wasn't way off base for reacting the way that I did and because my readers are awesome, a few of you did that - so thank you all very much for that.

I may do another post to update on the situation further, but after a few days to think and no returned calls or email I think I'm fairly safe (but heartbroken) to say that that chapter of my life has now drawn to a close.

If anything, this has taught me that you can't force people to be your friends - nor can you choose their spouse for them to make sure they get someone who you know they really deserve - and I guess if you really care for them you let them do whatever they need to in order to live as happy and peaceful a life as possible.

And thats what I'll do. 

I'll probably despise her forever though, just to be clear on that. :)

< /Rut >*

Over the last couple of months, I've been back in counselling.  Not for anything major, just a few issues that I wanted to work through.  Fortunately, I feel as though I've got a lot of these things figured out now and things are starting to get back to more of an even keel. 

Turns out, you have to change yourself when other people piss you off.  Change how you respond to the situation.  It sounds so simple when you put it like that.

As I left my appointment last night, I put my mp3 player on (I don't leave the house without it) and started my walk home.  Its not far, maybe 5 minutes at the most.

I was probably only a minute away from my starting point and it started to rain.  Not just drizzle but the huge raindrops that soak you to the skin in seconds, regardless of what you're wearing.

Other people walking nearby started squealing, ducking for cover under trees or running to get to their destination a bit quicker.

I didn't.

I kept walking at my normal pace.  Linkin Park blaring in my ears and a total sense of calm.  I don't remember the last time I felt that relaxed.  I'm not sure Linkin Park wrote their music to make people feel calm, but it just happened to be playing.

I felt that after the best part of four months carrying the sensation I was holding my breath, I could exhale.

I'm getting back to being myself again, in fact I'm pretty much there.   Its so draining when you're trying to let the calm element of your personality take over, but you can't because the stressed out side is so dominant.

The stressed out side is gone now, leaving only the extra 7lbs she helped me gain by encouraging me to comfort eat. Sadly, this means that calm Beth now has to be "calm and un-piggy Beth" to try and get rid of it.

Nice to be back to "normal".  Less nice to be having slim fast for 2 meals a day.

Still, you can't have it all...

*had to put the spaces in the title, Typepad wouldn't display it without.

Low Brow?

This evening, after a lovely day spent picnicking in Richmond Park (where the deer are so used to people that you can walk right past them), a couple of friends and I went to a nearby pub to sit in the garden and have a drink.

A drink turned into dinner, and dinner suddenly became staying for the pub quiz.

We won one of the four rounds, which gained us a bottle of house wine.

The ultimate prize though, was that every time we had questions marked, the hostess had to read out our team name.

We're all professionals of a nature.  All office workers.  All intelligent, educated people.

There are lots of things we could have chosen.

Smart things.  Classy things.  Witty things.

Not today...we went right to the gutter.

Our team name, the triumph of the entire evening and the cherry on the whipped cream on the icing on the cake of the fabulous day I had, was:

"Quiz on my face"

I'm laughing even as I type it.

Mice and Men

Today, I was going to do lots of constructive things.  Tidying, organising, studying.

Instead, today I have:

• Made a new banner for the blog.  I love it, because it looks like a 5 year old with photoshop did it.  In fact, a 27 year old with photoshop did it.  Its a work in progress.

• Spent £60.68 on a new skincare regime and I feel prettier already.

• Eaten almost 1/4 of a key lime pie.

• Just sat down to watch TNA wresting.

And do you know something?  All of that is way better than constructive stuff.

At 27 years old, how did I get here?

Thats it.

Just a question.

How?  What steps did I take that put me where I am now?  Maybe, what steps didn't I take?

I figure, not going to university was one of them.  Not knowing what I wanted to do with my life didn't help.

This puts me, at 27, living a life that I'm not sure that I'm happy with*.  I'm also not sure how to fix it.

Stuck sucks.

*I do realise that happy isn't a permanent state, but it being an occasional state would be lovely at the moment.  When things that make you unhappy day to day either put you back in therapy or leave you so frustrated that you can't speak because you know if you do you'll either get extremely angry or cry its a pretty sorry state of affairs. 

Why yes, I am a smartass

Conversation re: ways to reduce my stress level.

...what about exercise then?

I hate exercise.  Hate it.

Beth, its really good for reducing stress.

Yes, I'm sure, but I hate it.

Okay, Well, name me one intelligent person who doesn't exercise.

Stephen Hawking.

#100 - Where Technology and Dolly Parton conspire against me

This, according to Typepad is my 100th post.

Thats not strictly true as i've had at least two total culls where I've been through and deleted some or all of my archives.

As I've (not so subtley) implied in recent posts, I'm not the happiest of bunnies at the moment.  At work, I got promoted, but there are elements of the job now that frustrate me more than I ever thought they would.  I won't go into detail here, I haven't even discussed them with my boss because at the moment I'm trying to ascertain whether its my expectations being too high or a real problem.  I will say that while I'm trying to sort my head out there has been a point in each week where I haven't exactly been ecstatic at the prospect of getting up and going to the office.

Most mornings, unless I go in very early, I walk to work.  Its 15-20 minutes from my house and provides me with the only exercise I get.  I can't walk in silence because I find the sound of my own neuroses to be totally mind numbing, so I always have an mp3 player with me (currently a red Sony NWZ-S638which I love!) and its mostly filled with rock.  Metallica, Queen, Nickelback, RHCP, Seether, Theory of a Deadman, Three Doors Down.  That sorta stuff.  There is the odd bit of cheesy pop, R&B, Rap, Jazz and even some country too.

Every morning in the last week, within the first 4 or 5 songs the "intelligent shuffle" has given me the same some.  I don't know how.  I don't know how it considers that shuffling, but every morning one of the first songs it picks to play for me is 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton.

Ironic, no?

Found Ya...

Sometimes, as most bloggers probably do, I like to have a look and see how people have found my site.

A lot of the time its either people who have my bookmarked, or find me through another blog I read but occasionally they find me through a search engine.

Yesterday, someone found my blog after typing in "How to fix a bad mother-daughter relationship".

I don't know if that person found any useful information in my posts.  But, if you are that person and you happened to have come back I'll give you my honest opinion.

If it's recently gone bad, you might be able to fix it.  If it's always been bad, you have to find a way to reconcile it in your head and come to terms with the fact that you're probably never going to have that "my mother is my best friend" thing happening.  Another helpful tool is to look at your mother's relationship with her mother.  If it was bad, there's a pattern here and on some level you have to consciously break that cycle - for your own sake.

It took me a lot of counselling and soul searching before I realised that I was tying myself in knots to please my mother and it was totally pointless.  It never worked.  It was never enough and I got tired of feeling like I was never enough.

Its been a few years now since I was in therapy working through it all, but I can honestly say that now, other than the odd frustration at things that go on in my house I'm totally at ease with the fact that we're not that family. 

I aspire to more for my children.  I want to be a good mother for them if/when I have them.  I don't want to make them feel like I felt for way too much of my life.

Thats just my two cents worth, if you've come back that is.  If you're reading and you're not that searcher, then you've just had another bit of insight into my inner workings!

To Do List Item - Reduce Swearing?

This is a snippet of a conversation I had with my colleague today, I've cut out most of the whining done beforehand:

Me - "...I mean I'm not that horrible.  I'm direct, yeah.  But not horrible."

Him - "No, you're not horrible.  You are direct though.  And you swear a lot."

Me - "Yeah, I do."

Him - "You swear as much as I do and I swear all the motherfucking time."

Me - "Yeah, you do.  But really, is it soo bad that I swear?"

Him - "It doesn't bother me.  Its not all that ladylike and if you were in my team I'd probably end up speaking to you to tell you to stop."

Me - "Well, I'm not in your team.....so fuck you."

God I'm witty. 

Really though, it seems as if I need to try and stop swearing.  Or at least cut back.

The problem is I love it.

Did you ever see the clip from Denis Leary's "No Cure for Cancer" where he does a little bit about how he loves to smoke?  Well, I feel the same about swearing.

I love it almost as much as I love Seinfeld and nice lingerie and bright coloured eyeliner and spaghetti carbonara (NB:  I love all of these things a whole lot).  There is something so bizarrely satisfying about having a little sweary rant when you've just spoken to a rude customer or stupid supplier on the phone.  And a girl saying the "C" word - awesome.  No one expects a girl to say that word and when you do...that look of shock?  Thats good shit.

One of the misconceptions about swearing (or cursing, for those over the pond) is that it indicates a lack of vocabulary or is a sign of ignorance.   I don't think thats true.  I'd consider myself pretty wordy.  Verbose at times even.  And Ignorant?  No, I don't think so.

I think I'm a reasonably intelligent woman.  I know stuff.  I can string together an eloquent sentence if required.  I could get by without swearing.

But I could get by without Seinfeld, nice lingerie, brightly coloured eyeliner and spaghetti carbonara too and you know, I don't think I want to.