Not Enough, Too Young

Lately, I have been going through another of my famed "crises of achivement".  Every year at least once, I go through a panic about what I have and haven't achieved.  The relationships I'm not in.  The size 10 I am not.  The promotion I haven't been offered.  The degree I don't have.

I was just in the early stages of one of these and then I got some horrible, tragic news.

Last weekend, a friend of the family was found dead in his flat.  He was 25.  6 months younger than me.

We went to mothers andtoddlers together, then school right the way through until we left at 16.  I know his family.  Parents, younger siblings, sister in law.

We weren't ever what you could call close.  we'd known eachother all that time but would seldom speak.  Not through any falling out or animosity, just because he was never much of a talker.  We'd always just nod in recognition and smile.  Maybe the occasional "alright?" if we were extra chatty.

Initially, we just heard that he'd died.  That was Sunday and in spite of the fact that he'd been in and out of hospital and had a few close calls in the last few years, I couldn't believe it.  Monday morning, my dad called me at work to tell me the next snippet of the story, which was that he was in bed when they found him.  I had to go and stand in the toilets at work, I felt like I'd just been thrown into a wall.  Apparently thats what shock feels like - I didn't know.

Since then, more pieces of the puzzle have come through.  Some correct, some not.  I think that it was his mother who found him.  He hadnt been round to his parents place for a few days and that was unusual.  When she found him he was in bed, eyes open and mouth agape.  He'd made his lunch for the next day, he was an insulin-dependent diabetic and his next injection was ready to go.  That was him all over - a hard worker and always prepared.  I don't know if she'll ever get that face out of her mind.  I'm told that she feels like he was calling out for her and she wasn't there.

In a strange way, this has made me realise how fortunate I am.  He is the first person that has died that I've been closely associated with.  I don't really know if I'm dealing with it in the right way.  I haven't really cried, but I have felt pretty shaken about it.  I want to offer more help to the family but I know that I can't.

I'm going to the funeral on Wednesday and I have no idea what the ettiquette is.  Or even what to wear.  I'm going straight from work so a black suit I suppose.  I'd told my boss I'd come back to the office after the service but he said I'll be in no fit state to do that and not to bother.  That I might think I'm ok about it now, but once I see the grief of his family I'll be a lot less ok.

The whole point of this post really is to get my thoughts down about it all.  I want to send good vibes to his parents and family and to wish him well.  I'm a firm believer in reincarnation so I'm sure he's just getting started on his next existance but i'd like it to be known - universally and what not - that he'll be missed by many people and that even on nodding terms, it was a prvilege to know someone who was such a good guy. 

Comments

[Leah Vanessa]

I'm so sorry Beth!

[Travis Erwin]

Sorry for your loss. I remember the first time one of my close buddies died. It left me sad for him and his family, for his kids that would never really know him but it also made me feel really vulnerable and kind of reassess my thoughts on life.

[peach]

So sorry to hear that, such a shock even when you knew he was ill. I had a similar situation with a friend last year. I still can't believe he's really not there anymore.

I guess you should know, re the family, there really is no right thing to say, or anything that will make a big difference, just being sorry for their loss of... and use his name, I heard, helps... and being there to offer your condolences and show your support to the family too. I didn't go to my friend's funeral, couldn't bear it.

The shock will die down, but don't hold back your own grief.

X big hugs to you X

[Deb]

Oh, Beth. So sorry to learn about the sad news of your friend. It is very jarring when this happens. I know for me, when things like this happen, I take stock in what I have and where my life is.

[David]

What a way to go. And you're right. Death does make you think. Think, think, think. It makes you think about the present and the future. What it all meant and what it will mean. That's why, you have to remember Beth...live for today.

I'm sorry for your friend's loss, but it seems to me that you've made peace with it already. I hope, that by accepting the fact that he has moved on and is in a better place (or will be), you, your family, and your families friends will find peace.

[Ingmar]

so sorry to hear about that beth. having had a similar experience with a friend who was taken all-too-young and suddenly, i can sympathise with the shock you feel. time takes time.

[Ariel]

Shock is a normal reaction to these tragic news. Don't worry about the etiquette for the funeral, there's no such thing really. Showing up is an act of compassion in itself, and I am sure it will be well-received.

[Beth]

Thank you all for your kind words - they're very much appreciated x