In the last 10 days or so, I've encountered two men with which I'd had interludes in the past. I can't call either experience a relationship, nor either person a boyfriend but something happened in each case and in both cases I've been affected on some level.
I saw both men within a few days of eachother. The first I didn't intentionally see. I was out at a local pub with my work colleagues (I almost never go out locally) and I looked over at the bar and he was stood there. Interestingly enough, his mannerisms and dress sense (both a little effeminate) hadn't changed. He was a lot less attractive than I remembered him, when we knew eachother over 5 yers ago. He was slimmer then. He didn't see me to begin with and his crowd of friends were stood next to the group I was in. I wasn't really bothered about him being there, I had no intention of leaving nor any intention of speaking to him. After a few minutes he noticed me, whispered something to his housemate (who I also recognised) and the whole group went outside. Thinly veiled excuse for a smoke, but I'm fairly sure my presence hurried them along a little.
To give you the background on this guy, we were friends. Pretty much best friends. We'd worked together in a call centre for a few months, clicked instantly and spend ridiculous amounts of time together. Even on nights when he worked and I didn't, I'd go and meet him and walk with him to his train home. We spend weekends together and very often shared a bed (it was a single and really quite uncomfortable) but there was nothing in it. It was only when another friend of mine pointed out that I talked about this guy like he was my boyfriend that I realised I had stronger feelings for him. Now I get to the good part, the beginning of the end. We went out, the two of us and a whole crowd of other people to celebrate his 21st birthday. As you can imagine, the booze was flowing and we both got pretty drunk. I'm sure you can imagine what happened next. From the next day onwards things got really awkward. I immediately wanted more than a casual screw and he told me he couldn't date a friend (then promptly started dating a friend of his from his Uni course). We gradually spoke less and less and to our work colleagues it became really obvious something was up. Once day, I was talking to a co-worker and she observed how weird things had become between us. I said that something had happened and she told me she knew. That they all knew. That he'd come in a few days later announcing "Oh yeah, I fucked her but she wasn't anything special." After that, there were a couple of arguments where he denied it and from then until now I hadn't seen him.
It didn't really bother me that he'd badmouthed me to my colleagues. I didn't really care that they now thought I was a lousy lay but I have no words to describe how much the betrayal hurt and how its only hit me now that the one comment he made has stuck with me. That drunken night - I was on top. The whole thing was over in less than a minute, we were both hammered after all, but I was on top and therefore in control. Since then, I have a pretty strong reluctance to go on top. Lovers since have said that they really don't have a problem with anything I'm doing, but I can't seem to get past it. My brain can't seem to believe "he was a prick, you didn't do anything" and instead goes with the "its your fault, you were on top, you're obviously lousy in that position - avoid it at all costs" option.
Moving along now to boy number two. For any of you who read my old blogger blog, you may remember my interlude with someone who I only referred to as plaything. A nice guy, loaded city boy type with a huge ego and a high sex drive. We slept together for a few months about 2 years ago. It wasnt a relationship, we didn't really date and he was always to busy to see me.
Since then, he's kept in touch off and on and we're friends on Facebook. I've seen all the cozy-cozy pictures of him and his girlfriend and they look pretty happy. Last weekend, I get a message from him and its not the first I should add, asking if I'd like to meet up for some "fun" - I was guessing he didn't mean a day shopping followed by a show and dinner somewhere nice. I pointed out that really, he has a girlfriend to take care of the "fun". He told me that she isn't as dirty as I am, that no one was going to be as good as I was and so he wanted to see me. He said how good we were together and how he wanted to see what a difference two years had made, whether it'd be even better. I actually reneged and met him for lunch on Tuesday. He was exactly the same as I remember. Leopards can't change their spots after all. I'm sure he'd cottoned on to the fact that he wasn't going to get his way and we probably talked for no more than an hour before he had to go back to work. He obviously hadn't realised that he was indirectly saying "You're not worth a relationship, but you're worth screwing".
These two experiences left me confused. Not all-consuming confused, but wondering how I'm actually perceived by men. I've been single since May and not gone on any dates. I have a casual thing in place for those times its required, but he now has a girlfriend so all bets are off. I'm wondering whether if you're a woman who is fairly confident and confortable with both her body and her sexuality, you're deemed less worthy of becoming a girlfriend. A fuck buddy? Sure. A one night stand? Why not. But a girlfriend?
Any insight would be most welcome...
