...Think, Think, Think...

"But can't THEY hear it too?"

A few doors down from us, there is a family with two young children.

All day, every day, one of these children alternates between shrieking (you know, that kind of shrieking that goes right through you) and crying.

My dad, who is off work at the moment and is home all day, has been subject to this all week while he's been sorting out the back garden. He's a fairly patient sort of bloke, but these kids have really tested his patience.

You see, the parents don't seem to do much about this screeching.  God knows if we can hear it, they must hear it louder?  Why would you ignore it?  Why live like that? 

I'm not a massively maternal person.  I like children when they say terribly profound things, or when they inadvertently embarass their parents - for example the story my therapist told me about the little boy in the supermarket with his parents who, after being told he couldn't have chocolate, announced to his mother and all the shoppers in the vicinity; "If you don't let me have a Mars bar I'll tell Grandma that I saw you licking Daddy's willy".

Badly behaved children are a problem for me.  In restaurants, or shops - but especially when I've been at work all day and I want to chill in my back garden with a glass of wine and talk to the cat that isn't ours (more on her another time).

Yesterday, Dad was pushed to the point that he ended up yelling "Would you just SHUT THOSE KIDS UP".  Shortly thereafter he saw both children being put into their carseats and taken out for the afternoon, leaving him with a bit of peace to do what he was doing.

I've just got back from having my hair done and they're back at it again.

Is it wrong that I'm considering giving social services a quick call, just saying how concerned I am about all the screaming?

I mean, it may just be a phase (my friend Su's little ones went through the same thing, albeit on a lesser scale I think) but what if it isn't and I have to put up with it for the rest of the summer they're actually hurting the children?

Video Blog Update

For those of you who saw it and are wondering where it is, I've taken the video blog down.

I needed to vent and I did, and I very much appreciate your comments.  Silly as it may sound, I felt like I needed some rational adults to tell me that I wasn't way off base for reacting the way that I did and because my readers are awesome, a few of you did that - so thank you all very much for that.

I may do another post to update on the situation further, but after a few days to think and no returned calls or email I think I'm fairly safe (but heartbroken) to say that that chapter of my life has now drawn to a close.

If anything, this has taught me that you can't force people to be your friends - nor can you choose their spouse for them to make sure they get someone who you know they really deserve - and I guess if you really care for them you let them do whatever they need to in order to live as happy and peaceful a life as possible.

And thats what I'll do. 

I'll probably despise her forever though, just to be clear on that. :)

At 27 years old, how did I get here?

Thats it.

Just a question.

How?  What steps did I take that put me where I am now?  Maybe, what steps didn't I take?

I figure, not going to university was one of them.  Not knowing what I wanted to do with my life didn't help.

This puts me, at 27, living a life that I'm not sure that I'm happy with*.  I'm also not sure how to fix it.

Stuck sucks.

*I do realise that happy isn't a permanent state, but it being an occasional state would be lovely at the moment.  When things that make you unhappy day to day either put you back in therapy or leave you so frustrated that you can't speak because you know if you do you'll either get extremely angry or cry its a pretty sorry state of affairs. 

Late-Summer Clean and a serious case of the What If's

Lately I've been feeling a bit sort of unsettled.  Not unhappy, but not exactly happy either.  Feeling like I needed some sort of change and thats quite a difficult thing to engineer.

I feel like I need to go through everything and throw out the things I don't need.

Last weekend I started with DVD's and books.  I have 320 dvds now and that doesn't include the 32 that I'm never ever going to watch again that ggot put in a bin bag to go to the charity shop. 

I got rid of 15 or so books.  Those little gems on relationships that are supposed to help keep things running smoothy.  They never did.  If twisting myself into knots to be agreeable and "understanding" and behaving like a complete doormat wouldn't keep the man around, some crappy notion about Mars and Venus wasn't going to do much either.  I get rid of the books on what to do when you get dumped again, because that path I'm now familiar with, I have my own way of dealing with it and it usually depends on the method of dumping.  Fortunately in the last year I haven't had to worry because I haven't put myself at risk.

Books and DVD's done my bedroom is now substantially tidier.  I spend probably 90% of my time at home in there so some space is nice, given that its little more than a nicely decorated, technically well equipped cell.

This leaves my wardrobes, drawers, handbags and shoe collection.  I've been saying for months that I'd go through all of these and put it off every time.  Its not a nice job.  Its harder than with books or dvds because I know I can re-buy them if needs be.  The clothes/shoes/bags are seasonal - once they're gone they're gone.  But whats the point in keeping things I never wear?  They may as well go to people who will use them, who need them more than I do.

But here's my worry.

What if I do all the sorting out, get rid of all the clutter and things I don't need and free up lots of space and don't feel any better?

I'm inclined not to take action at times, because if I don't (and this is the losers way out, I know) I can say "X isn't working, but I could do this if I wanted and that would probably fix it".  I'm just sort of scared that if I do it and it doesn't, I'm even more stuck.  No hope of moving forward or making change because I've tried and failed.

I have this attitude with fitness.  I could be slimmer and more toned if I exercised.  I'd probably feel better in myself and even be more attractive to the opposite sex...but what if I do it and I don't and I'm not?  What then?

Its fear and I know I shouldn't let fear control my life on any level...I'm just weak at the moment.

Changing State

I'm not feeling like myself lately.

Looking at it objectively, I've been mildly depressed for the last two months.  I don't really want to do much other than sleep.

I'm not happy at work and it feels like every which way I turn to try and resolve it I'm met with a brick wall.  I feel like no matter what I do I can't win.  Outside of work, I don't have anything going on and so all I'm doing is working and sleeping and with every day that passes my level of frustration grows.

I'm usually fortunate enough to be pretty confident about my looks.  I usually feel like a pretty girl with a decent figure.  Lately I feel fat and frumpy and just a monster.

The worst of it is, when you feel like that you're too tired and beaten down to do anything about it.

I went out to try and get some air today.  I walked around the shops and bought useless boring work necessities - new blouses, tights, invisible underwear to go under a pencil skirt thats too tight for the normal kind of underwear. I bought a book - "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" - I spent half an hour in the book shop looking for inspiration.

I realise that what I need is something to change my state.  For any dog lovers reading, you may be familiar with the dog trainer Cesar Milan.  He has all sorts of methods for getting dogs to behave and although most of them relate to getting the owners to behave first, there is one in particular that I'm trying to use.

When I dog is stuck in a particular mindset - overexcited or aggressive or whatever - he uses a technique of a very quick shock, like a quick tug on the lead or a sudden "shh" sound to snap them out of it and to try and get them into a calm submissive state. I don't know if calm and submissive is the state I need to be in, but calm is a good place to start so I'm trying to find a way to snap myself out of my moping.

I decided that I needed some sort of adrenaline rush to jolt me back into real life - even if its just for a short while.  Today, my way of doing that was to get a new piercing.  I had my belly button pierced.  I've had it done a couple of times before and so I knew exactly what to expect.  It didn't hurt as much as it had done previously because they used some sort of numbing solution.  Although I didn't feel the physical pain I was expecting (which I figured was going to snap me back to reality) it did help and I felt better afterwards for a little while.  I don't suppose its the ideal way of lifting yourself up because eventually you're going to run out of places to pierce, but today it was a bit of a help.  Maybe a motivator to get me to take better care of my body.  Eat better, maybe exercise a little bit.  Tone up the stomach so I can actually show off the piercing.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day.  I don't want to keep feeling like this.  Life is too short.

Seven Things I Approve Of

The rather fantastic Peach tagged me to do this meme a week ago and I've been lazy (what a surprise).  I've not done one of these for ages, much less one that I actually need to think about.  The upshot is, you have to post seven things that you approve of.

Its quite hard to narrow it down to seven.  I approve of lots of things.  Thinking about it, I don't really disapprove of much.  Mass murder, child abuse,  that sort of thing.  Generally though, I don't give much of a monkeys what people do.

So, here are my seven things.  I'm also tagging the following bloggers - Kenzie, Kenneth, Ruby , Claire and Dylan because i'd love to read their answers.

1 - Religious Freedom

I'm not a religious person.  I find it all absolutely fascinating and I'm about halfway through a book on Scientology, but I'm not much of a believer.  That said, I won't knock someone else for their beliefs.  If Tom Cruise wants to bounce about singing the praises of Scientology, rock on.  He's happy.  He's not killing anyone.  People should chill out.  This is of course within reason.  You can believe whatever you like, you just cant go making yourself explode on public transport or driving planes into buildings.

2 - Moisturising Regularly

In my not too distant past, a particularly handsome man who was afforded the luxury of seeing me without clothing ran his fingertips over my back and told me how soft my skin felt.  He did that quite a lot.  I'm a total advocate of moisturisation. Face, hands, feet, body - the works.  after all, no one wants to be stroking a lizard do they.  Or maybe they do.

3 - Keeping In Touch with Old Friends

I'm bad at this.  Very bad.  I'm going to have lunch next week with someone I worked with about 6 years ago.  I haven't actually seen him since.  We've kept in touch and he only lives 15 miles-ish away from me, we just haven't got around to actually seeing eachother.  Ive also just been texting an old school friend who I haven't seen in nearly 4 years.  Since we last spoke she has found her perfect job, moved, got divorced and found herself a new man.  I'm thrilled that she's doing well and I'm planning on seeing her soon to catch up properly.  As the old saying (poem?  Addage?) goes, Make new friends but keep the old for one is silver and the other gold.

4 - Eating Purely for Pleasure

I love to eat. Its 1pm.  I got up at 10 and I've eaten a Cadburys Fruit and Nut bar and a Mars bar and nothing else so far today.  I don't tend to eat emotionally - in fact I do the opposite, I don't eat at all when I'm feeling an extreme of emotion - but sometimes, I like to eat just because I want to taste that particular food.  My vices?  Dairy.  Cheese.  Sour Cream.  Anything that combines the two - Nachos for example.  Washed down with a nice cold beer.  Or maybe cider.

5 - A Woman's Right To Choose

See, you thought I was going to be all fluffy didn't you?  Nope, here's the biggie.  I'm totally pro-choice.  At this stage in my life, if I fell pregnant I couldn't raise a child.  I still live at home.  I'm in debt up to my arse.  It wouldn't be fair on me and it certainly wouldn't be fair on the child.  I'm a firm believer that children should only be brought into the world in the right circumstances - ie with two loving parents to guide and nurture them.  I understand life doesn't always work that way, but a child should be wanted.  Obviously, this is just my take on things and I know people will disagree.  I respect that.

6 - Therapy/Counselling

A couple of years back, I hit a point in my life where I plain and simply wasn't coping.  I had a couple of weeks where I cried at my desk virtually all day.  My colleagues must have thought I was insane.  I decidd that counselling would be a good idea - and it was.  My counsellor is amazing.  I haven't been for the best part of a year now because I haven't felt like I needed it - but the help it gave me when I did was invaluable.  I know that if I need to go back in the future, I will and I have total faith in my counsellors skills in helping me work through the tough stuff.  I couldn't recommend it more highly.

7 - Blogging

I've read some of the most wonderful stories in blogs.  I love that there are people who are willing enough to open their hearts in front of a keyboard and pour it all out for others to read and comment on.  I'm honoured that there are people out there who not only read what I write, but take time out to comment on what I've written.  I've been extremely lucky not to have many trolls and I really do value my commenters words - so thank you!

Its (usually) the most wonderful time of the year

I usually love christmas.  I'm usually as excited as most children get.

For some reason, this year I'm not. 

I've put up decorations at home and at work and this doesn't seem to have nudged me into the festive frame of mind.  I was a little bit excited to put a christmas template on the blog though.  Its quite pretty.  I might leave it there all year, like a redneck blogger.  The template being the equivalent of christmas lights on my front porch in July.

I've bought all my presents now (bar a bottle of scotch for my dad) meaning I no longer have to face the crowds of insane shoppers, wandering through the local shops in a zombie-like state.  Logically this should make me very happy, but doesn't.

I bought my cards and gift wrap yesterday.  I'm a bit of a geek, I usually love putting together a colourscheme for paper and ribbons.  None of this patterned paper malarkey for me.  Until this year, when my inspiration has gone completely and I'm thinking "Screw it, they're only going to rip the paper anyway."

I arranged secret santa at work and looked disapprovingly on those who opted not to play along (I should add, none of them opted out for religious reasons.  One hates christmas, one couldn't be bothered, one is new and didn't know anyone well enough to buy for and the fourth is based at another site).  I did the name draw, taking folded names around for everyone to pick theirs.  I've even bought the gift for my person and I'm not excited.

Next week is my work christmas party.  I've had my dress for almost 2 months.  My shoes are picked out.  Last night, the universe painfully highlighted that we should be happy with what we've got, as I tried in vain to tong my poker straight hair into curls.  I now have a 2 inch burn on the side of my neck where I moved my hand the wrong way.  I'm guessing it'll scab and then if I'm really unlucky it'll scar.  The thing is, I'm not even that excited about going.  The person I'll most want to talk to I won't be able to as a result of a very long story that I may post at some point.  The short version is that I'm friends with a flirtatious married man, he gives me lifts home (because he literally drives past my house and I don't drive at all!) and so the general concensus is that we *must* be sleeping together.  Typepad doesn't have an eye-rolling smiley, but if it did I'd put it here.  I'm also particularly concerned that my old supervisor will be there.  I wouldn't have been concerned about it had we not found her A4 sized notebook containing various comments that can only be described as petty and insulting.  There wasn't anything awful about me from the one page I saw, just a "not happy with Beth today".  Unfortunately, one of the new girls in my team didn't get off so lightly.  The comments about her were horrible.  Spiteful in fact and she was quite upset. My boss is a nice enough guy that long term staff who have recently left are usually still invited, but I don't know about her after this.

I think it may be that this will be another christmas where my parents and I are at home, just the three of us.  Its not any different than a normal day for us, other than doing the present thing in the morning.  After that, we all separate.  I go back to my room (and back to bed if I'm honest), dad goes on his computer and god knows what mum does.  On her arse in front of the tv I guess.  I'm not a big fan of the roast turkey dinner so I have to find something different for dinner.  Its been Chicken Fajitas for the last couple of years, but even my lust for all things mexican has gone out the window.

I also usually arrange to have some sort of DVD box set to watch while I'm wallowing in bed that day and I'm pretty unispired by the TV options out there.  Seinfeld series 8 and 9 are options, as is Northern Exposure series 4.  John Cena (yeah, the wrestler, I know its lame) has a biographical sort of DVD out that I've had my eye on.

So, loyal readers who come back even though I'm pretty much the laziest blogger in the history of blogging, I'm after some recommendations for the following:

• What I should have for Christmas dinner
• How I should spend my christmas day - working on the principal that its not a family day
• What dvds I should have on standby to watch
• Not christmas related, but how to get rid of a cough that is a combination of dry,chesty and tickly.  Can I drink all 3 sorts of cough medicine?

Recovering Shopaholic

Quite often, one of the things that people use to define me and my personality is my unfaltering desire to shop.  There are few things that make me as happy as wondering around whatever shops, shopping centres, supermarkets, even petrol station shops to see whats there and I what I might be able to buy.

Yesterday, I realised that this desire has totally gone.

After lunch with a friend, we went to Brent Cross, which has a pretty decent selection of shops.  More than ample for a make-up junkie such as myself.  I didn't buy a single thing.  I went into all the usual places and picked up a few things only to put them back a couple of minutes later.  I just wasn't inspired by anything.  If anything, I was more pissed off at all the people that are obviously doing their christmas shopping early and ultimately getting under my feet.

To describe my shopping style, I'm a moocher.  I think that has a different meaning in the UK than in the US so let me explain - I like to amble around, not walking slowly by any means (I'm always on a mission, if I have somewhere I'm going I want to get there as quickly as possible) but not being jostled out of the way by rude people, or elbowed so someone can get in front of me.  Mooching, by the UK definition is to just wander around and look at whats there.  Thats me.   A moocher.  You can't mooch before christmas.  For some reason as soon as those fairy lights and trees go up in our local monuments to consumerism people completely lose their heads - and manners!

I know that I'm going to have to go out and buy the remainder of my christmas presents at some point in the next few weeks and as a christmas-lover I'd normally be pretty excited at the prospect.

Lets just say the general shopping public are making it hard for me to be excited.

The Quest

I want a pair of plain black leather stilettos with a pointed toe and a 4 inch heel.

I don't want any buckles or bows.  I don't want an ankle strap (shortens the leg you see).  I don't want patent leather.   I don't want 2 1/2 inch heels.  I don't want a platform, or a block heel.  I don't want an almond shaped toe.  Or a round one.  Or a square one.  I just want plain black stilettos with a pointed toe and a 4 inch heel.

They're possibly the most simple shoes in the world ever and nowhere seems to sell them.

Patent is very in at the moment so everywhere has patent leather in varying shades.  Dolly shoes are in, so lots of things have straps across the front. 

But what about the people who aren't out for trendy shoes?

I've looked on countless websites - the closest I seem to find are shoes on fetish sites but they're a 5 inch heel and thats just stupid.

I've seen lots of other shoes that I'd like - one pair in particular meets all my criteria for the above except they're metallic red stilettos with a pointed toe and a 4 inch heel.  Beautiful, but not what I want.  Also not worth spending £50 on when I know I'll only wear them once if I'm lucky.

Plain black leather stilettos with a pointed toe and a 4 inch heel though,have a multitude of uses.  Out for dinner, in the pub, casual lunch with friends, at the office, in the bedroom.  They're very practical shoes. 

Why is it in life the simplest things are always the most elusive?

Questions, Frustrations, Fears

I'm unahppy.

This week has been a difficult one.  I've worked a lot.  I stayed at the office until 8pm last night.  I'd never done that before.  Never worked in a job where I gave a shit before, I suppose.  I've had a cold all week.  I've been unable to rest properly because while I've really needed a day off to sleep, we've been a person down, although that person doesn't provide much of a contribution.  She makes mistakes that she isn't capable of fixing, meaning that the rest of us not only have to do the other work she isn't capable of, but fix her mistakes too.  I watch her, bumbling around and wasting time.   Spending 45 minutes on something where if she'd read an email she'd have had the information as I'd already sent it, then could have helped the rest of us who are working flat out.  Not her though.  She works for the pay cheque.  We all do.  But some of us care.  Some of us take pride in our work.  Try not to fuck up.  Apologise if we do.  Are grateful to our colleagues for their assistance and guidance when they offer it.  Some of us work as a team.  Not her.  She isn't a bad person.  But she doesn't care.  And because I do I get frustrated.

My immediate supervisor and the owner of the company are great to work for.  They make you feel valued.  Last night, several of us stayed late, all leaving the office sometime between 7 and 8pm.  The owner was there til much later, but when we came in this morning we all had an email thanking us for our hard work.  When we left tonight he told us to have a good weekend and we deserved it the most as we'd worked so hard.  Thats nice, to feel that your effort is acknowledged.  Had our co-worker not have been on holiday this week, she'd have been gone at 5:30pm on the dot.  Fuck the workload, fuck the rest of us putting in the graft.

Its probably wrong of me to write this here.  After all, I write under my real name and she could find it.  Who knows.  All I do know is that today, I don't care.

I got home from work this evening, tired and weary.  I'm still not 100%.  The cold is dragging itself out. Along with that, I'm suffering strongly from a sense of unachievement, lack of direction, fear for the future.

What if I never make anything of myself? What if I never find the right job?  What if I'm not good enough to get the degree and the qualifications I need to be a counsellor, which is what I really want to do?
What if the man I love never loves me back and follows his career elsewhere, leaving me behind? What if after him, no one wants me?  What if I never make a difference, even for a minute, in someones life?

As a neurotic only child questions like these, drenched in self-doubt, often spring up.  Usually, I'm strong enough to rationalise it out.  I keep asking questions until I hit the worst case scenario and then realise its not that bad.  Tonight, the virus and tiredness and lethargy are stopping me from doing that.  I've got no energy, no appetite, not even a sense of humour.

Sorry...at the moment I don't have much creativity in me.  My posts over the last couple of weeks have been uninteresting and scarce - same with my comments on other blogs.  I'm trying not to whine and I'm certainly not looking for pity or anything as transparent as that, I'm just having a bit of a tough time.  Its not like me and I'm sure I'll be over it soon...please bear with me.