...Think, Think, Think...

If you want to be psychotic, thats totally fine but..

...don't drag me into it.

I've had one of those weeks this week.  The kind of week where I learn things about myself that I'd never been really aware of before.I've now fully established my position on trust.  They say that trust has to be earned but I don't work like that.  I seem to make an instant judgement.  Either I trust you from the off, or I don't and I never will.

Thats not to say that I don't mak bad calls.  There are times where people do things that mean they drop down on the trustability scale and it always upsets me a little bit.  I'm always slightly saddened by makng a bad call and by feeling that I'd been let down.

Naturally I realise that this is my own doing.  I am the creator of these situations and therefore shouldn't really complain.  Still, this is my blog and I'll whinge if I want to, whinge if I want to.  You'd winge too if it happened to you.  Okay, maybe you wouldn't but the Lesley Gore reference was too easy to pass up.

So, here's the story.  One of the stories of fucked-upness that I've been subject to this week.

I have a work colleague on my facebook.  Not someone from my office, a client.  Nice guy,  seemed relatively stable.  Smart enough, bit flirty, but taken.  Stable girlfriend etc.  Nothing between us other than a bit of banter.

We'd had the odd conversation on Facebook and last sunday, he's online and I say hi.  I ask how his weekend was and he said it had been a bit up and down, he'd had some girlfrind issues.  The conversation sort of flows around that.  He'd done something stupid that wasn't cheating and she'd found out.  Her ex had always flirted with other girls and he promised he'd never do that and he did and now he didn't know what he was going to do without her.  He didn't want to be on this planet without her...and other various overly-dramatic statements.

I didn't think much of it, although its always slightly worrying when you're talking to someone who's saying such things so I just gave the best advice I could and tried to suggest avoiding as many cliches as possible.  At the end of the conversation, he asked if she could read what we'd written.  I said I didn't mind, but not to force her to read it because its not necessarily going to be what she wants to see, innocent or not.  It seemed slightly weird, but whatever.

And that was pretty much that.  It did leave me wondering whether I'm just astonishingly laid back about these sort of things, or whether I've just become accustomed to involvements with men who flirt.  Generally, it doesnt bother me.  Its what men do.  Its biological, they can't help it.  Other than that though, I didnt give it much thought.  He was out of the office the monday and so I didn't speak to him.

So here's where things get fucked up.

Tuesday, he calls in at work to speak to me.  He actually asked to hold while I finished up another call.  When he got put through, the first thing he did was apologise for the previous conversation.

Not uncommon.  People often apologise for outbursts of emotion - I've done it myself.  Except thats not what he was apologising for.

"That wasn't me. It was my girlfriend..."

Insert stunned silence here. 

"..so yeah, if you ever see me on Facebook its not me.  Its her."

How did you find out that she'd done it?

"Oh I was there...I told her not to, but she did it anyway."

Right.  I see.  Well, thats safely one of the most psychotic things I've been party to in ages.

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that.  I just wanted to apologise."

Yeah...apologise.  Right.  The entire conversation, not him.  My valuable advice - a pointless waste of time.  Not a real conversation.  I bet you can guess how annoyed I am can't you?  I bet you can guess how much I like being used as a pawn in other peoples fucked up little games?

Thats right boys and girls; I don't fucking like it one little bit.

I realise I'm perhaps dwelling heavily on something insignificant, but frankly who the fuck is she to use me to test her boyfriend?  Sorry darling, but if you don't trust him take it up with him, don't drag other people into it.

I don't have the energy to go into the other things that have pissed me off this week - mostly because the sum is greater than their parts and has totally drained me.  Hopefully next week will be better.

An Open Letter to a Man Who Doesn't Appreciate What He Has

Dear You,

We've kept in touch off and on since we dated a couple of years ago.  I'm no fool, I know what you want. 
Every few weeks if you haven't heard from me you text, calling me honey or baby and asking how I am.  You use that as a thinly veiled excuse to ask if I'm single.  I am.  I think I will be for a while.  I'm not ready to be involved after what happened the last time.  My blind faith has eyestrain and needs a rest. 

You suggest we meet up.  You never really think about how far away you live and how although I can do that journey in a couple of hours, I don't really want to go that far and back on a work night.  Stay over, you suggest, but its too far to commute into the office in the morning.  You've never come up here to see me.  even when we dated you never bothered.  It was always about convenience for you and thats why you're still in touch.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" I asked a while ago.  I'm paraphrasing but your answer came along the lines of, "Yes, but she's not as dirty as you are."  Dirty being the label for a woman who isn't afraid of her sexuality.  Since then, you've shamelessly been trying to get me to come and see you.

I caved in November and we had lunch.  All of an hour before you had to go back to work.  You hadn't changed much.  Still the same.  Over-confident.  Thinking you'd got me all figured out.  Cocky enough to ask "Where's my kiss?" and I kissed you.  But I didn't feel anything.  No warmth, nor any desire to continue down that path.

During lunch you avoided the topic of your girlfriend when I asked.  I was only doing it to make you feel uncomfortable.  I think it worked.  You said that we were "mates" and we didn't have to sleep together.  A few days later you text me again, asking to see me for "some fun."  I reminded you that you've got a girlfriend for that.  You come back with a reply that you're almost single, not understanding that being single is like being pregnant; either you are, or you're not.

You didn't realise that two years have changed me.  Before I was a victim (I use that word in the loosest possible sense) of the game.  Now, if needs be, I can be a player.  You think that I don't realise that you're spinning lines.  I know you don't realise that I've been subject to more skilled players than you, both on the receiving end and watching from the sidelines. 

Just before christmas you sent another text, asking to see me before christmas.  Then between christmas and new year you told me you were going to be away for new year but that you'd see me when you got back. 

A few weeks go by and your new year pictures are on facebook.  For a man who is almost single, you looked remarkably happy and cosy with your girlfriend.

This past week, you text me again to tell me I've been quiet.  I replied that I've been busy at work and mentioned how cosy your new year pictures looked.  You're so brazen that you replied "Yeah, it was a good time.  When can you fit me in?"

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship.  Maybe everything is on the rocks, but I can't see that for a minute from the couple of hundred cosy pictures of you two together.  I feel for her.  She probably has no idea.  By the same token, I feel for you for a couple of reasons.  Firstly, because you're too stupid to see when you're risking a good thing.  Secondly, because I'll toy with you like a kitten with a ball of wool as long as you allow me to.

I'm not vengeful by any stretch.  But you see, I'm better than being your whore.  If you're not smart enough to work that out and to perhaps assign a little more worth to people, you'll get everything you deserve.

I should clarify, I don't wish you any ill will.  I just wish that you'd realise how lucky you are to have someone and how stupid that you are that you'd jeopardise that for the sake of a lay. 

Lots of Love

Beth